Pain, Love and Healing

PAIN

Coming back, and being here is hard when jobs and education plans fail me, it's hard when your granny is dying and your dad can't go see her...or maybe doesn't want to. It's hard when you think that everyone else has a leg up on you because they didn't have to go thru the stuff you went thru. And finally when you think you've reached your limit, God pushes you beyond it.

For the past two weeks, I've been crying at night for a way out. Raging at God or family or friends when some of the things I'm going thru are out of my control, while others are. It doesn't matter when you feel like you made of lead, something toxic and heavy and cold and you are falling deeper and deeper into a deep artic ocean trench. You swim, but it's the wrong direction, you cry out but help can't reach you.

Sometimes friends help, mostly not... unless I feel like they understand, even though I know they care, but there's only so much I can take, my fears of being left alone by friends or fears of being a loser or whatever.

Call me crazy, judge me, think that it's a cry for attention, think as you please. It's hard to be real, hard for me to share like this, I put it out there not because I've mastered anything but because people write enough about nothingness already, so here I am.  Weak. Hopeless. Wretched. Self pitying. Self absorbed. Emotional and passionate... Real.

LOVE

 To you maybe it's nothing much but to me, I have hope now that things will get better. If you are tagged, you are apart of helping me. Thank you.

Whats that? How did I heal?
I don't know, it's not through trying to find your worth thru friends or past success. Not about how much you make or could make. Not about who you are with or who you aren't with. Maybe it was time I got over myself or maybe it was God and his unfailing love. It was the week after a fight with my dad and the 6 days of silence and hiding from family ending in a quiet talk with my parents. I knew I was loved but i still didn't feel it was safe. It was every little step I took from coming home instead of running away. On Monday, I came home to the succulent smell of beef brisket stewing and my mom's cooking, one of my favourites. It was bumping into John and him giving me a bottle of grape juice from Japan and talking of hooking me up with a cell phone plan (the kindness of a stranger almost). It was a little music box that I cranked to help me smile. It was everytime you spent time with me, every hug you have, every smile you turned my way. Everytime you listened, everytime you prayed. “Love is the medicine for the sickness of the world.” Karl Menninger ... Is it really enough? Maybe you aren't, maybe all of you combined aren't enough, but God is.  In my heart I felt you were used willingly or not according to his will whether you believe or not. Haha and if you don't I'm that stubborn so suck it up.

HEALING

 I realized yes, I'm going through hard times, it is beyond what I can bear, but God as blessed me with so much, how could I be so blind to everything He has blessed me with? He saved me from famine, from poverty, from war, from divorce, from disease, from sin... from death, and gave me life, love and hope. Each brilliant glint of leaf, each dramatic tilt of musical notes-- I was made to be perfect, to see and to hear for God's pleasure. No more U turns for me, no more looking back, I'll just look foward and remember to praise God.

Next time, please ask me to give praise it is good for the soul, gives you hope, and you rely on God for that. =P

Haiku- I smell like Poo : WHY

Haiku
Traditionally 5 syllables then 7 then 5. Apparently Matsuo Basho is the Haiku saint who traveled from edo .. or Tokyo to Fukushima and very possibly past my little town YABUKI!!

The old pond
A frog jumps in
The sound of water
             By Matsuo Basho
(  a translation of the Japanese Haiku so the syllables are off)

WHY
Rain makes me blue
Pedalling hard and wet too
Now I smell like poo **

** My supervisor and I were teaching gr 10s about Haikus in Engl class and he asked me to write one.. I shared it w/ the class but he said I had to revise it.. =( **

WHY
Rain makes me blue
Pedalling hard and wet too
Now I smell sharpu/ rancid/ filthy/ grossu/ like you ( if you happend to bike in the rain)

I offered those to him.. I especially like sharpu because it combines the SHARPNESS of the stink AND the smell of poo. Even if  I'm cheating on making the 5th syllable via katanaized engrish. Supervisor suggested frogS, but I told him the frogs I caught didn't smell and supervisor seemed troubled ( that they didn't smell I gather ) but maybe he is right, and it was just because I caught frogs who werent marinated in rain.

Answer?
The trouble with dry rice paddies and the fact that they make up nearly the entire surface area of your little town.. is fertilization plus wind. Not only does it stink, and you try your damn best to pedal past as fast as your burning thighs and bursting lungs can endure, but I SUSPECT the wind picks up the particles of stink, carries it into the clouds only to rain down on you as you bike.

The Burdens of My Heart and 3 lovestories

First off this is an update, and for those of you with Facebook, go there to read my notes b/c there's pics there.

There was a lot of pain when I came back, the burden of having so many people in the hospital, ironically the same hospital my granny was in...and not just strangers but relatives. As for my granny, we could only go in two by two  from 6-8pm because of hospital restrictions from the Avian flu scares and another deadly flu going on.

My grandma had 4 girls, and 5 guys, a total of 9.
1st aunt - passed out ( 2 years ago and this year finally finished a colon cancer operation ) and needed blood
1st uncle- went jogging and fell fracturing his rib
2nd aunt's grandchild- baby has a rare blood infection, she's only 2 months old
4th aunt- just had a hysterectomy, gave birth to a tumor the size of an orange.
5th Uncle- wife has brain clot that costs over 20 000 USD to operate on - she drives everyone insane and she's incapable of being a better mother
5th Uncle- his son has a immune disorder, has no hair, has problems absorbing nutrients, has hyperactive disorder

Burdensome. Each. One.... and that's just my dad's side. Life seems so depressing and abysmal. My dad's side is very poor, the apt is small and dirty and 6 people live in a space that's the size of my office at work. The health and money problems and the lack of education made me feel really depressed.

 My dad is the only one who doesn't smoke or gamble. My aunt's don't smoke or gamble but they are very superstitious and throw money away to monks and temples and such probably because they are not very educated and they feel more secure worshiping the way they do. I'm not about to debate religion here, it's more about how they are tricked into giving money and how guilliable they are.
But, 2 days later I realized I was really blind.

Granny's Ruptured Colon

There's no such thing as Luck: God's the Orchestrator of Life.

When times of crisis, conflict or confusion arise, I will hit my knees before I hit the phone knowing that God alone is the one who holds the solution to life’s every problem.

I will erase the words “luck” and “lucky” from my vocabulary and will instead by my speech point my friends and family toward the One who orchestrates every detail of our lives and brings all good things to pass, for by this my friends and family will learn of an omniscient God.

When bad things happen, I’ll neither grumble nor complain, but will instead see that in the scope of our lives even the bad times are allowed for a reason, for by this I will learn quiet trust in their Maker.